This is a talk I gave to the family support group meeting from a primary care rehabilitation centre in the first quarter of 2022 (3 May 2022) encouraging them to not panic, that there is hope, help and support available and the benefits of joining a 12 Steps based support group.... and for professional reasons I referred to Tristan as "T" in the presentation to the families and friends in this presentation:
"My name is Barbara and I am the Mom, and sole parent of a son who is, thankfully, progressing so brilliantly on his recovery journey. For this evening my son will be “T”. He is now 28 months clean and sober, his recovery journey has not been a smooth road for either him to travel or his family. I guess I can say that I too am 28 months in my recovery journey from his period of active addiction which culminated in an intervention and his being carted off to rehab with his wrists bound by cable ties.
I have two sons and never did I envisage that one of them would be afflicted by the disease of addiction. I thought I had raised them not to be tempted and succumb to the disease of addiction, but we all know that this disease targets each and everyone, it does not discriminate in terms of gender, race, religion, income and lifestyle.
In the dark days of hell which were the weeks of T’s active addiction, my husband (who is not T’s biological father) and I felt very alone, ashamed and embarrassed. My husband did find a support meeting and suggested we go – this was pre Covid – and I said I would think about it and did not raise it again and fervently hoped he would not raise it again, he did not. I felt that if we walked into that meeting it would be acknowledging I was a failure as a parent and that sense of failure, shame and guilt was so overwhelming I was incapable of looking for any form of help. With the convenient hindsight of time, I wish I had gone to that meeting with Johan as I know now that these type of meetings are all about support and help; there is no jury, judge, magistrate or prosecutor waiting to impose sentences of guilt, shame and failure on anyone.
T went to rehab because eventually one day out of absolute desperation I spoke to a friend who had a son who was battling the disease of addiction, she had confided in me multiple times and I had tried to be as supportive as possible in the past. She gave me a number to call and this is how T went to rehab. That was a nightmare day for us but I knew that his going to rehab did not mean I could just sit back and expect the rehab to do all the work. I knew that but not much more and sadly that particular rehab was not at all proactive about parental education and support. There was no such thing as a weekly parent support meeting; I had to beg and plead for a progress report and updates.
A very wise friend said to me, when T had been in rehab about a month that I must be prepared for a changed T to emerge from rehab – I was incredulous but now completely understand what she meant and she was right! If the “old and former T” emerged from rehab it meant that he had not done any work on his recovery and overcoming the battle of addiction. It was a very hard and isolating time when he was in rehab, his counsellors would phone only to moan at me that he was not doing the work, either racing through the stepwork or not taking it seriously enough; but there was zero support from them in terms of support resources for myself, T’s brother or my husband.
T was allowed home for one night when it was his brother’s birthday. We were all like the proverbial cats on hot tin roofs and I felt almost like when I had brought him home from hospital as a newborn baby. He wanted access to his cellphone which we gave him as we had done a factory reset and got him a new sim card; we could control that but how did I know that he was not going to phone his dealer (he told me once he knew the number off by heart. Those words turned me to ice) let alone steal from us again. We had a great time with his brother at his birthday dinner but it was a very tense and emotional time for all of us – again with the hindsight if I was already part of a support group, this would have helped us to cope with the situation and his brief one night visit home from rehab.
The support group my husband had suggested we attend in the days of T’s active addiction was for Al-Anon and T was not an alcoholic but an addict; I still had no clue that there were any support groups for the families and friends of loved ones who battle with the disease of addiction.
T was released from rehab and into the rehab’s halfway house in about June 2020; it was very exciting for all of us and we were thrilled to see him after a long 9 week period because of lockdown regulations we had not been able to have the twice monthly visits with him at rehab. His moving into the halfway house, where he could walk out of the gate and see his former friends who he had used with let alone contact his drug dealer, honestly paralysed me with fear. He had to find a job, which he did and this meant money so you can imagine how my overactive mind went into a complete manic overdrive. I raised both my sons to be strong and independent people, I was never the Mom who had her sons burying their heads in my skirt and hiding behind me. T’s addiction, rehab and his being in the halfway house transformed me into Helicopter Mom from Hell phoning him constantly, checking up on him and it did nothing to improve our relationship fractured as it was because of his addiction. We had some emotional and horrible arguments and encounters; again I felt so alone, desperate and not knowing how to cope with the situation at all.
In absolute desperation I did find an online support group but it was geared for families battling with children in active addiction and it had more of a negative than beneficial impact so my time attending those meetings was short-lived.
We moved T to another halfway house as he was very unhappy at the first one and he did open up to us about this and the second halfway house was a far more positive and safer option for him. It was at this halfway house that in a meeting with the house manager and owner, it was suggested to me that I attend the co-anon support group meeting .I spent the entire meeting in floods of tears as I was just desperate, felt more of a failure as a parent than ever before and I was literally and figuratively drowning in my tears. I took the advice to heart and immediately contacted Andrew who administers and chairs the co-anon support group meeting. This was on a Friday and I attended my first co-anon meeting the next Tuesday evening – it was an online meeting, there was no pressure for me to have my camera on or contribute in any way. The meeting felt like a safe and nurturing space for me and it still remains that way.
T would tell us about the meetings he attended and talked about the 12 Steps and the “Big Book” and we were clueless about either the 12 Step Programme or what the Big Book was – when asked he told us all about The Alcoholics Anonymous book aka The Big Book. The Co-Anon support meeting which are for families and friends of loved ones battling with the disease of addiction, opens with the Serenity Prayer and 2 readings; the first is the 12 Steps followed by a reading titled “An Honest Look at Ourselves”. When I listened to this being read, I thought this could have been written by me! It deals with trying to fix the drug addict’s problems, whether by throwing money at the problem, flushing drugs down the toilet, making excuses for the addict etc – it talks about the anxiety, anger, denial, resentment, guilt etc. It brought home to me that my family and I were NOT alone, that the meeting was a safe place and there were parents, partners, siblings and friends who were all on the same journey as we were
We had and were experiencing the same emotions, similar experiences and we were all on the recovery journey as our loved ones because we have unconditional love and support for our children, spouses, siblings etc.
T would say to me when I would bring up something from his past from that hellish time of his addiction, “You are not meant to keep bringing up my past” and I thought he was just trying to manipulate me again because he could not deal with the shame and guilt. Likewise, my constant checking up on him which had been one of the reasons I was summonsed to the meeting at the second halfway house with T, the manager and the owner because I did not stop checking up on him and it was stifling him and negatively impacting his recovery journey.
The last reading of the weekly support meeting is “The Do’s and the Don’ts” – they are short so I am going to read them here:
The Do’s
Do forgive Do be honest with yourself Do be humble Do take it easy – tension is harmful Do play- find recreation and hobbies Do keep trying whenever you fail Do learn the facts about addiction and alcoholism Do attend Co-Anon meetings often Do pray
The Don’ts
Don’t be self-righteous Don’t try to dominate, nag, scold, and complain Don’t lose your temper Don’t try to push anyone but yourself Don’t keep bringing up the past Don’t keep checking up on your addict/alcoholic Don’t wallow in self-pity Don’t make threats you don’t intend to carry out Don’t be overprotective Don’t be a doormat
I had the Do’s and Don’ts printed and laminated and it was on my fridge for many months. I need to make another one and put it up on my fridge again as it is an excellent ‘road map’ to help me support and encourage T on his continued recovery journey.
Through the support group I have attended a 12 Step programme workshop; and try to implement this in my life. It really helps knowing all about the 12 Steps which our addicts are taught and have to work on. Personally I think it should be taught at schools and universities. It has benefitted me immensely and I am pleased that once again we are doing the 12 steps again in our weekly support meetings.
I know that T really appreciates that I attend the support meetings as often as I can, that I have a good understanding and knowledge of the 12 Steps, I know what the Big Book is all about. The support group meetings have really helped me to stop being a helicopter parent so I am not constantly checking up on my addict, I do not keep bringing up the past and I have found new recreations and hobbies – I try to swim at gym regularly, I am learning Italian and I am always educating myself on the facts of addiction and alcoholism by reading extensively and listening to various podcasts on the subject. For every relapse or overdose, there are 5 success stories and whether it is listening to an addict share their story and recovery journey in our weekly co-anon support meeting or hearing an addict’s story on a podcast, they all give me strength, hope and faith."
I encourage you to reach out and join a support group, it does not have to be the co-anon support group, there are al-anon support groups for those who are battling with alcoholism.
Addiction and alcoholism affects the entire family. My experience has taught me that T’s recovery journey has benefited and progressed in leaps and bounds since I started attending the weekly support group meetings, navigating our relationship and day by using the Do’s and Don’ts as my guideline and working on the 12 steps.
